How do I start again? Family: My daughter and her husband adopted his grandson after years of dealing with his mother who has chosen a lifestyle that has caused her to lose not only this boy, but his younger sister and brother. He has just turned 11 and is a wonderful young man! 

Their daughter was married at little over a year ago and now lives 3,000 miles away in Pennsylvania. Her husband is an air traffic controller and is looking for work closer to the west coast where both families live. I hope that happens. She is dear to me and I would be so blessed to have her close again!

Our boys...the 20 year old is in the Army and stationed in Colorado. He is married (a surprise when it happened) and they seem to be a good match.

The younger boy just graduated from high school and is headed to Oklahoma for college. He is an amazing singer and wants to pursue a career in musical theater.

These grandchildren are a total blessing to our lives and we do and will miss them terribly.

My husband and I are both dealing with back problems and other infirmities of old age, he is almost 89 and I am 82. We still live in our own home next door to our daughter. She and her husband have been a huge blessing to us through some of the trials of the last few years. Don't know what we would have done without them!!

Our son and his wife live about 100 miles away from us, so we do get to see them quite frequently, but not often enough for me!! They are looking to move when the youngest gets settled in college and I am afraid they will be a long distance from us, too. It depends on where the jobs are.

This is enough "catching up"  for now. We will chat again soon (I hope!)

Another One Gone

And now my brother has gone from this earth. He left us on February 20 after being critically ill for six weeks. He was a husband, father, grandfather, son, uncle and brother and dearly loved. He was a Viet Nam veteran (two tours), a pilot of helicopters and reconnoissance planes. He was a man of God, a musician and a gentle person. I am sorely grieved by his passing. The only comfort is knowing that he is with God and we will be together again.

I just wanted to hear his voice one more time.

The "New" New Year

September has become the "new" new year for me. Even though I no longer have children going to school (except for the granddaughter next door) there is something about getting back into the routine after summer that is comforting. I used to make New Year's resolutions on January 1, but now it seems that September might be the best time to do that. Things just feel more normal during the school year.

To catch up, our son and his boys moved back to Portland a couple of months ago as he finally found work again. They are happily back together as a family and even living in the same apartment complex as before. The boys will go to the same school and they are delighted to be back with their Portland buddies. I have been busy reclaiming my space in the house. I miss them, but know things are back as they should be with their family.

We had the boys here last week for a few days. They had a good time getting together with their best friends from last school year and going to the Fair and Rodeo. One whole day was spent riding the rides at the fair. Kevin loved the bumper cars and Nolan went nuts for the caterpillar roller coaster. Saturday we went to the parade and watched Kaytlyn ride with her drill team-her first experience riding in the parade. I hope we made some good memories.

This week Keith and I will be going camping with our Senior group from church. This is about the 4th year we have all gone together for the weekend after Labor Day. It is a fun and relaxing time after all the hub-bub of the Labor Day weekend.

Guess I lied about things slowing down! The last weekend of this month we are all going to the Oregon coast for a weekend. Then maybe it will slow down!

Reflection

My mother passed away on December 26, 2010 at the age of 89, but I feel like I lost my "real" mom nine years ago. Mom had a stroke on February 11, 2002 which left her complete paralyzed on the right side and without the ability to speak what she was thinking (aphasia). Her mind was still very good which was very frustrating for all of us. She had been a strong, independent woman as were many of her generation and to be reduced to needing help with everything was horrible for her. She spent six weeks in the hospital, during which time my dad died, then she came to us. She was in rehab for a couple of months, then came to live at our home where she stayed for six months. Then my brother took her home with him for over two years until he just couldn't do the 24/7 care anymore so he brought her back here to live in the nursing facility in town just one mile from my home.

For almost six years we worked at making sure her needs were met and spent countless hours with her. She was able to come to our house for holidays and special occassions until the last month of her life. She loved being with the grandchildren and great grandchildren and, most of all, sitting outside in the sunshine. Six years can be a long, long time!

The last two weeks of her life were stressful, sad and sweet all at the same time. She spent five days in the hospital and was able to make her own decisions about what treatment she did and did not want. When she returned to the nursing home, the staff there greeted her with hugs and kisses as she had become like one of their own family members and they loved her. In another six days, it became evident that the end was near and we began to stay with her in shifts 24 hours a day. My husband, daughter, son, daughter-in-law and myself each took 4-5 hour shifts to make sure she was not alone.

During that time, the staff was absolutely amazing. I don't think anyone left their work shift without coming to say goodbye to her and then coming in when they came back to see if she was still with us. They kept her comfortable and clean and took care of us at the same time. I want to describe some of that care in a later post, but here is part of my "eucharisteo" during that time:

205.Safe travel for family
206. Boy singing
207. Hospital care
208. Brother here
209. Hard hallelujahs
210. New snowfall
211. Bright boy eyes at Christmas tree
212. Wonderful Nursing home staff
213. Assurance of grace
214. Beautiful hymns
215. Boys eager for Santa
216. Shimmery tree lights
217. Christmas Eve quiet
218. Christmas morning excitement
219. Pecan pie
220. Hand carved walking stick
221. Precious memories with daughter
222. Good books
223. Family support
224. Pictures to help remember
225. Nursing home aides
226. Peaceful passing

Surprises!

What a joy to come back today and see that I had received comments on my blog--such as it is. There are so many talented writers out there that I love to read. My list continues today--
11. Candles, feathers and rocks
12. Naps
13. Quilts-some pieced by one grandmother and quilted by the other.
14. A faithful husband
15. a cool morning with a hint of coming thunderstorms
16. Looking forward to vacation
17. Good medical reports
18. Memories of my father
19. Wind that clears the air and keeps the bugs away (but 55 mph??)
20. Mornings on the deck
21. Raspberries
22. The staff at the nursing home where Mom lives.
23. The scent of honeysuckle
24. Air conditioning!!
25. Watching granddaughter ride her horse well.
26. Sunshine at the beach
27. Grandson with us
28. Family memories
29. Early morning beach walk-snail trails, star fish, hermit crabs, rocks and shells
30. Flying kites
31. Shivery, wet children--all sandy
32. Sand castles
33. Running from the waves
34. Child--"Look, Nana, look!"
35. Fog
36. Tide pools
37. Jigsaw puzzles
38. Fresh seafood
39. S'mores in the fireplace
40. Safe trips back home

One Thousand Gifts

I have been following Ann Voskamp's blog www.aholyexperience.com for quite a while now and have been working on my own list of 1000 gifts. Since her book came out, I am moved to look daily at the microscopic and generous gifts God gives minute by minute. I am not sure I will post my whole list here, but certainly will celebrate when I get to 1000!! In the meantime, I am re-opening and trying this again.

Since our son and his two boys came to stay last June, our house has been a beehive of activity with school, laundry, swim lessons, LEGOS, wrestling, hugs and tears. This has been an especially hard journey for this little family with their Mom living and working 200 miles away while Dad looks for work. We are blessed with the time together with them and when they do move it will be a "hard eucharisteo".

Since I last posted, my mother finally left this earth on December 26th. Her last month was a rapid slide downhill (or a climb up) into eternity with her Lord. Our family spent the last few days taking turns sitting with her in shifts so that she would not be alone and were blessed by the staff at the nursing home where she lived. I will write more about that later.

1. Time with granddaughter
2. The beauty of the hills around our home
3. Our snug and cozy little house
4. The electric garage door opener (and the garage)
5. The instant hot water tap
6. Gold finches
7. The quail family that visited our yard
8. The bunny that lives under the shed
9. My new outdoor sitting/praying area
10. Lunch with my dear friend, newly widowed.

The End (for now)

I have decided to put this blog out of its misery--at least for now. I have too many little details nagging at me and I want to narrow things down. I will be working on my personal handwritten journal more often, hopefully. This is not to say I won't ever post here again, just not anytime soon.

Birthdays

Well, I am 70 today. Is that really true? The numbers don't sound right to me. If I am 70, shouldn't I feel like I have arrived, like I have it all together? Believe me, I do not feel that way. This journey is full of detours and distractions from the things we know to be the important things of life and yet, here I am wondering where it all has gone and what I will have left behind.

For me, birthdays are kinda like New Year's Eve. I like to look back and evaluate, then look forward and think about the future. Of course, I know that the past is gone, but it is a good teacher and there are no guarantees of the future, so I guess I will just work on today and enjoy what it has to offer while trying to make things better in some way. One day at a time, isn't that all we can handle?

Today looks to be a beautiful fall day. Maybe I will get out and enjoy the gorgeous colors and the sunshine for a little while, go visit my mother and spend time with my family this evening. Sounds like a plan!

HELP!!!

I have lost it all!! Hope I can recover it.

A Note

I am not quite sure what happened to the nice design I had here, but it is gone!! All I can do is play with it til I get it fixed.

That Hurts!!

O.K., I am officially obese, or should I say OBESE! Of course, I knew I was overweight. That has been a problem off and on since I was 14 years old, but obese?I went to a weight loss support group meeting last night and they did the weigh, measure, caliper pinch (in three places), and the BMI thing. The numbers were ugly to say the least. I could have cried. I have done this work before-several times-and don't want to do it again, but there are several things to consider.

First, this body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. The measurements are just a bit bigger than the design called for and certainly not in the condition it should be in.

Second, the extra weight puts me at risk for several unpleasant possibilities such as heart disease, stroke, diabetes, back problems and knee problems. Not things I would like to go through.

Third, I just feel sluggish and unable to do the things I would like to do. My energy level is low. It is a vicious circle of not being able to lose the weight if I don't exercise, but exercise is uncomfortable at this point.

So, I have decisions and commitments to make that no one else can make for me and no one else can do for me. I am on my own in this one and there is no one to blame but myself. Cause and effect; action and consequence.

Dad

It was eight years ago that my Dad left this place of pain and sickness and went to be with the Master Carpenter. Dad was a carpenter-among other things, but that was his passion. He loved working with wood and we have several pieces of his creativity to remember him by. I imagine him with Jesus, making sawdust while humming or whistling the whole time.

Have I written this before? On the day he died, March 24, 2002, I was not with him, but my brother was holding him in his arms and singing to him. I was home alone and when they called to tell me, I looked out the window and saw an eagle soaring in the sky over our house. To me, that was a message from God saying "He is okay. He has risen on eagles' wings above all the suffering. He is released to fly with me."

I still miss him terribly-his kindness and gentleness-and the love he had for God and his family, but I know I will see him again.

Impatient Patient

Patience/Patients. Sound the same, but in my case, they are worlds apart. Here I am, almost eight week post-surgery on my knee and I am more than ready for this to be over. People keep commenting about how amazing it is that the surgery (knee replacement) is so great. I am still waiting for the "amazing" and "great". It is getting better, but I just never thought it would take this long. The therapist says I am doing very well--better than a lot of people at this point.

One of the things that is so unsettling is just how much one has to focus on his/her self in this process. We really do take for granted the ability to just get up and go and do for ourselves. To be dependent is not in my nature and has been hard to accept. It is also difficult to focus on any one thing for very long. I had thought I would read a lot, etc., but my mind feels very scattered and the concentration level is not there right now.

Not sure what this all means except that I will try to be much more conscious of and sensitive to other people who are in a place of pain/recovery in the future. For now, I am grateful for good doctors, new procedures and pain meds!!

Fear

The question is: What is the biggest problem you face right now? What Goliath is staring you in the face, taunting you and defying God to rescue you? Today my Goliath is fear--fear of this aging process, fear of Monday's knee surgery and the pain to follow, fear of the consequences of bad choices made over my lifetime. So, for today I am claiming this verse in Iasaih 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Also, Psalm 91:1-2: "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

So, what am I afraid of? Physical pain, physical deterioration, loss of abilities? All of these are temporary anyway. The only sure and constant thing in this life and the life after this is God.

This morning a friend prayed for me over the phone. That is only the second time that has ever happened to me. So, do I really trust the God I pray to? I want to trust Him!

Oh, God, let your Spirit fill me with your peace

Thanksgiving

AAHH! Another great meal devoured in a fraction of the time it took to cook it! I didn't have to (or get to) cook this year as we were invited to our daughter's in-laws' home. It was a very good dinner and we enjoyed the company.

I am always a little ashamed of how much food we can pile onto one table for one meal when there are so many who have nothing, but I do not know exactly how to break the cycle without hurting feelings. I would really like to at least tone it down a little and spend more time and energy acknowledging our Provider and helping someone else. Oh, we do contribute to "causes" that help others, but that's the easy way out.

Now that I have said that I have to evaluate and determine just what changes I am willing to make.

Word Play

I've been thinking about a word that keeps popping up in everything I read or see lately. That word is "encourage". It doesn't take much for someone to encourage me--just a note or a word. How often do I act on my intentions to encourage someone else? I believe that thoughts about another person are urges from the Spirit to pay attention to that person either in prayer or in person and I should act on those little pushes.

The other word is "entourage". Notice the one letter difference? Each of us needs an entourage of encouragers to keep us going and we need to be a part of other's entourages (is that the proper pluralization?) to lift them up and give them hope. It doesn't take much--just a note or a word.

There are numerous scriptures instructing us to encourage one another, especially when things look dark as they do in our world today. I am going to try to do better at this. It takes so little effort and is such a blessing to others.

Home Again

Back home after a week of vacation at the Oregon Beaches with our family. We rent a big house so we can all stay together, sharing space and food--lots of good food! It was a good week with typical ocean beach weather--foggy, cool, sunny and sandy. The kites were fun and the kids had a great sand castle. Took lots of pictures.

One week vacations are not quite long enough. It takes 2-3 days to get into the rhythm of it, then it is almost time to pack up and get home again. A little more "middle time" would be nice. However, I am grateful for any and all special times with kids and grands.

Home is nice, too.

Old Knees

I had my annual physical yesterday and I seem (so far) to be doing well--except for my knees. I have arthritis which has gotten progressively worse over the past year and my doctor thinks I should consider knee replacement surgery soon while I am still healthy enough to tolerate it well. Easy for him to say! Does anyone ever see themselves in advance as needing this kind of thing? I am quite sure I am not old enough or crippled enough for joint replacement. Depending on the day, the pain is mostly quite tolerable. How do I know if and when I should do this? I think I will wait til the fall, then consult with an orthopedist before going ahead. Being incapacitated for 6 weeks doesn't sound like fun--I don't have time for that! In this day of modern medicine why can't they just inject some silicone or something and "re-pad" the joint.

If you can't tell, I am BUMMED OUT!!

Emotions

The last four weeks have been such an emotional roller coaster for me. My friend's husband passed away from melanoma, his memorial service at his church and watching her being so strong yet so vulnerable. Then our Portland family came for a weekend and left their boys for a week and we had such a great time with them. Then there is the let-down when things get back to our dull normal routine except for the bright moments with our granddaughter. She is such a loving, trusting, sensitive child and wants to take care of everyone. She has a knack for sensing sadness and wants to comfort. Some sadnesses are just simply beyond her level of understanding, but she does want to help.

Next to God, my family is the dearest thing on earth to me and I can't bear it when things are uneasy between us. Sometimes I think I try too hard to keep everyone happy, but I love them so much. Even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. How silly is that?

Grandchildren

We have our two grandsons this week (6 1/2 and 4 1/2) and our granddaughter (11), since school is out. I think they are having a good time playing with Playmobile people, running in the sprinkler and just being together. I can't help but believe the 11 year old will soon be "too old" to engage in the kind of play they enjoy now and that will be sad. They have always had so much fun together. Maybe the dynamic will change but they will still want to be together.

I remember times with my cousins and the fun we had playing "cowboys and Indians" or staying out after dark for a game of hide-and-seek. It was such an innocent time and we were never afraid that one of us would be harmed. Now we just never let the children out of our sight for a moment and we live in a fairly secure place. Innocence lost.

I hope we are building good memories for our young ones that will carry them through times when things are looking grim or hopeless. I hope they look back at times with Nana and Papa and say with a smile, "Remember when...........".